PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
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Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Mood.. 😂
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child