@TeaAndCopy

PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted

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@AngelaHelga

I’m saving myself for marriage.

Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

@Parentpains

My ex wife is going through pms, I know this because my car is on fire.

@TweetPotato314

pilot: we’re about to crash

passengers: OMG

pilot: this wedding

passengers: phew

pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church

@jonnysun

even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults

@KenJennings

DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON
“Can we put Nutella on our salmon and call it salmonella?”
This has been DINNERTIME FOOD IDEAS FROM MY SON

@KenJennings

Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.

@coolauntV

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

@ComedicBust

[in a burning building]

Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down

Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F..

JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]

@rcromwell4

Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night