Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
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I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.