PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
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me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
🤣😂
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.