PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?


PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS

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I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”


Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?


Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]



hear me out…

…lasagna-flavoured cologne

not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured

*licks wrists*


My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.


[operating room]

SURGEON: We’ve lost him

NURSE: Exact time of death?

GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm


I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”


I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold


Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI’s, the cops won’t accept “tradition” as an excuse as to why you’re driving drunk.


I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!