I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
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You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Fluff me with a fork baby
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
hey, alexa
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.