Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
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The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
I love the National Park Service.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.