Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

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My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.


“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book


[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]


Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.


Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food


the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”


Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.


[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.


Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.