@PleaseBeGneiss

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

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@causticbob

My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.

So I’ve sent in my wedding album.

@JohnLyonTweets

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

@Reverend_Scott

[knock at door]

ME: yes?

COP: is there a party going on?

ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-

[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE

@FuckabillyRex

Driving around picking up hitchhikers until I find one that’s feeling murdery.

@Rainbowbunee

Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food

@TheHyyyype

the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”

@ShootyDoody

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

@MonkeyHeadNeb

[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –

Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!

Me: – die.

@laurenlapkus

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.