@PleaseBeGneiss

Priest: do you take this woman

Me: I do

[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]

Me: -not

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@psybermonkey

Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months

Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert

Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know

Me: what?

Nurse: Coldplay sucks

@LoveNLunchmeat

How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.

@cmfh111

me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.

@JermHimselfish

If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.

@Aerostars4Sale

SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.

@fro_vo

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

@CornOnTheGoblin

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

@schmittsteve

[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol

@ClaytonSykes

Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.