Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
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How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
me: I am going to get so much done…
same me: *loads two forks into the dishwasher* …tomorrow.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
SPECIAL COLUMBUS DAY SALE: For $300 you can drive one of our vans into Canada and claim you discovered it.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Barber pointed out my new gray hairs and said I looked refined. I hope someone tells him the key marks on his car looks like racing stripes.