priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
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My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*