PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
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I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Don’t tell me what to do
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?