PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
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HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
This is my bus stop.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
i’m not worried about WW111 i’ve been feeding a crow army for 3 yrs
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose