Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?

Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!

*looks at wife, wife shakes her head

Me: I’m not allowed

*kicks dirt

13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?

Me, knows exactly where it is: No.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search

1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”

Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.

her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires

You can only push me so far before I breakdance.

I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”

my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?