Priest: Dying people are drawn toward a bright light. Do you know what that proves?

Me: Dying people are moths?

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We can send a man to the moon but can’t turn a tap on when someone’s in the shower.



INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.

ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.

INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.


sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic


A guy who wears a ring is always a dealbreaker. If it’s on his ring finger, he’s married. If it’s not, he’s a guy who wears rings.


Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.


Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.


Don’t say their name during sex. Just keep saying “oh God”.

You’ll be safe.


Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?

Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?


Adult me: I wish I was a kid again.

Kid me: I wish I was a dinosaur! RaWr!