imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
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After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Oh yeah that’s it
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”