@SortaBad

PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it

ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you

You Might Also Like

@Phook75

So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response

@sumpeoplelikeit

If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.

@SEvans_author

Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%

@ramblinma

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*

@ericsshadow

20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him

40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU

@VaguelyFunnyDan

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

@fro_vo

Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two

@ChaseMit

My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.