PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
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Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.