So apparently RSVP’ing back to a wedding invite ‘maybe next time’ isn’t the correct response
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
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A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.