priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
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NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
“This is greatest invention since sliced Brett!”
—Cannibals
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly