Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
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when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
British people be like I’m Bri ish
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.