You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
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“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
Noah was an idiot.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.