Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
uh oh
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.