“I’d like to raise a toast.”
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*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Baller is short for ballerina
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”
“Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl”
-just to be clear, if I don’t tell you she dies but I get to live right?
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?
I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.