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@wickedimproper

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

@MyMomologue

The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.

@ibid78

I just got an eyelash in my eye and I’m yelling at it cuz it’s supposed to prevent this shit from happening like, “YOU ONLY HAVE ONE JOB.”

@SteveSuckington

“Tell me where the money is or else I kill the girl”

-just to be clear, if I don’t tell you she dies but I get to live right?

@vikkaroni

“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I?

I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming.”

@bingowings14

Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.