There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
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[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”