PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
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My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.