Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
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Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this