Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
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It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Yup….perfect score!