Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
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[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?