Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
You Might Also Like
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
what?
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
I like long walks away from everyone
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee
Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.