What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?
No? …Oh, you want another beer.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
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I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
I accept your apology.
Can I borrow your phone? I need to cancel the hit I put out on you.
Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.
Flirting is hard
Dude you’re a dentist. Why am I in stirrups?
I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—