@_ElvishPresley_

Priest: may God rest his soul

*casket begins to lower*

*I start clapping*

*everyone looks at me*

Me: sorry was that not the end of it

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@UncleBob56

What is it Lassie?
Timmy fell down a well?
Earthquake in LA?
The Russians are coming?
You found a plane?

No? …Oh, you want another beer.

@AndDesist

I accept your apology.

Can I borrow your phone? I need to cancel the hit I put out on you.

@ImJESSPlayin

Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.

Flirting is hard

@davidkenny100

I grew up just a stone’s throw away from where that whole family died of mysterious head injuries

@CaucasianJames

grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today

me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes

@JohnLyonTweets

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

@MelKassel

*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—