[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
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Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
She was REALLY feeling it.