@Holy_Mowgli

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

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@elisemarie91

She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

@jeffswarens

After I clear my browser history I do a quick google search for things like “feeding the hungry” and “How to thank a loving wife”

@AshFrazier_

I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.

@Ron_White

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

@HeyZeus666

Two wrongs don’t make a right.

And two half-wits don’t make a wit.

@wickedimproper

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

@iGreenMonk

I told the bank teller that I was changing banks & wanted to open an account

“Great. What’s the name of your former bank?”

I said, “Piggy”