She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
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My plans must be so fat they never work out.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
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And two half-wits don’t make a wit.
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Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
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“Great. What’s the name of your former bank?”
I said, “Piggy”