PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
That was easy.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.