PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Denise please return my vape pen
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
A short story of betrayal:
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.