Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
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Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?