[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
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Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.
Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
There are two owls inside you. You are going to nail this interview at Hooters.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything