Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

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Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.


I didn’t want the cop to see that my car’s registration tags weren’t current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too


Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*


[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.


I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.


If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.


I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.


Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day


i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.


[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]

*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*