Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
You Might Also Like
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
90Me: Nailed it.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.