Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
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I didn’t want the cop to see that my car’s registration tags weren’t current but apparently swerving erratically got his attention too
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….nnn…..I just love smell of campfires.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!
Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
[blind date is waiting nervously at the table]
*I slowly emerge out of my own massive vape cloud and begin walking towards her*