Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
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Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.