(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet