priest: you may now kiss the bride

me: hell yea

priest: sir please get back in your seat

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My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?


Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.


The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.


What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.


H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.


H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.


Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”


*at snowman mortuary*
Ma’am was your husband’s wish to be liquified or broken into chunks and thrown at the people he hated?