priest: you may now kiss the pride

me: excuse me?

priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*

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It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.


I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.


I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.


Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator


Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.


The networks need to change the phrase “Breaking News” to “Now What?”


Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon


Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t have to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns to customer* welcome to Donalds


You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself