priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
You Might Also Like
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.