Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
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it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
for all #parents out there
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is