If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
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I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
reminder
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
i will not be silenced
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?