Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
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Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant