Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
You Might Also Like
Name brands really are better. For instance, I just found out that the Tide pen works much better on stains than regular pens
My GPS is basically just one more man in my life who I turn on and then ignore.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Exclamation point rules
! – good
!! – excited
!!! – awesome
!!!! – starting to get creepy
!!!!! – cheerleader creepy
!!!!!! – own 20 cats
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Waiter: Ready to order?
Me: Yes, what goes well with an overbearing sis-in-law with delusions of grandeur?
Hubby: “Why don’t you ever tell me when you have an orgasm?”
Wife: “I don’t want to bother you while you are at work.”
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07