*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.