*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
You Might Also Like
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
(Musicians.)
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”