Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
You Might Also Like
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
e
e
e
a
n
s
uncle dave has been through hell
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
– In-laws
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls