Prince Charming: check out the babe

Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead

Prince Charming: I should kiss her

Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?

Prince Charming: bring her what now?

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landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late


Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?


Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.


Me: I didn’t get anything this year. Do you think Santa’s magic…is running out?

Wife: Santa isn’t real

Me: Don’t lie to save my feelings


My husband has officially reached peak dad status.

Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.


I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.


“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined


I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.

Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.