landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
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Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Me: I didn’t get anything this year. Do you think Santa’s magic…is running out?
Wife: Santa isn’t real
Me: Don’t lie to save my feelings
“Are you cold?”
*People who are cold*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
I found three french fries inside my $1 McDouble.
Dream big, kids. Anything is possible.