Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
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I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
cat vs inanimate object
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”