Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

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“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots


How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin


I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.


Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.


my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner


85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.


cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**


When being attacked yell “FREE CUPCAKES” so people come help you.


Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.