@good_one_rick: Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
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@Cpt_Burnout: Guy: "Do you have a lighter?" Me: "Yep" Guy: "You smoke?" Me: "No, you just never know when you're gonna need to light someone on fire."
@GrantTanaka: me: so what, you're gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life wife: no, the rest of yours
@decentbirthday: son: i caught a tadpole! me: actually that's a dadpole son: i'm confused *from fishing net* hi confused, i'm dad