@robfee
“I’m still years behind on Breaking Bad so I expect the entire internet not to discuss it until it’s convenient for me.” – Idiots
@good_one_rick
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
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@robfee
@brennadine
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
@aveuaskew
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
@hellohappy_time
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
@joeldanger
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
@ConorTripler
my GOTH DAD license plate is not a vanity plate it is a coincidence. random string of letters. could ve happened to a dad without eyeliner
@amydillon
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
@hamersauce
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
@delusions_of
When being attacked yell “FREE CUPCAKES” so people come help you.
@adamthislife
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.