Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
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Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!
Mom: What? Why are you yelling
Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks
Mom: Grandma’s dead hon
Me: That’s why I’m yelling
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.