@pilau

Prince Charming: I must find the owner of this glass slipper

King: what does she look like?

Prince Charming: girl

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@PetrickSara

Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213

@just1fool

If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.

@donni

The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose

@thatUPSdude

Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.

Sincerely;
Guys

@amazymay72x

My 12yo son’s protip:

Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.

@jokeymcjokeface

Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”

@LetMeStart

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

@UnFitz

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.