Prince Charming: I must find the owner of this glass slipper

King: what does she look like?

Prince Charming: girl

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Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213


If you’re looking for someone to tell you what to do in the bedroom I’m pretty good at instructing on how to install window blinds.


The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose


Oh Subway

You got busted lying about how big it is, no worries we’ve been doing that for years.



My 12yo son’s protip:

Buy larger sized clothes and you’ll look like you lost weight. You’re welcome.


Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”


Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.


Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.