Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

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The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now


Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?

Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX


“Smoking breaks” at work should be deducted from annually leave. We all have addictions, you don’t see me leave a meeting to fry plantain


I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.


– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.


[outside tomb]

John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?






John: he’s right behind me isn’t he


I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids


Me: Can I come in?
St Peter: *shakes head no*
Me: Was it close?
St Peter: *rolls out my lifetime internet history* Not really


“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”


Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.