@TheToddWilliams

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

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@notalogin

We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.

@Snarfernini

If you ever say ‘I seen’ in a sentence. I will never sleep with you.
Under any circumstances.
Ever.*

*including zombie apocalypse

@brunopieroni

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

@DaddyJew

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

@Reverend_Scott

me: what does that cloud look like to you?

her: please just open the parachute

@DothTheDoth

If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

@ceejoyner

OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.