prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
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Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?