I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
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I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
How I’d get arrested…
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot