It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
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Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”