[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
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ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Capture a raccoon & an octopus. Sit them on the couch. Give them snacks. Sit between them. Turn on the TV.
Now you’re ready to have kids.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Hell yeah 👍