Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
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Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.