Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.


Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.


Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.


me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time


If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.


My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up


How to stop an unwanted DM.

Hi, how are you?

Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I’m a psychotic cow, how are you?


Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel


Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.


I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.