PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
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In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
This is enough internet for the day.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth