@SortaBad

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

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@dumbbeezie

Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face

@BestScienceJoke

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

@Tommytoughstuff

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

@thevickster_sa

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

@yoyoha

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

@mynameisntdave

JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body

JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood

JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat

@char2_D2

Overheard in my dorm, from the hallway: “Dude, are those tearaway pants?” *ripping sound* “DUDE THAT’S SO COOL”

@gwatts77

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

@Reverend_Scott

when the cashier tells me my total, I always say, “that was a great year”. depending on how they react to totals like $16.92 or $34.20 tells me if they’re a time traveler or not.