Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
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i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted