Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
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Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
🍞🦆
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Me when someone tries to get to know me